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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26127289">Over the Bridge, Under the Stars</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueplutoberry/pseuds/blueplutoberry'>blueplutoberry</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:00:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,517</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26127289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueplutoberry/pseuds/blueplutoberry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The fight with Donghyuck leads Renjun to the bridge. Sitting on the metal bars, with the legs hanging dangerously over the river, and with the cigarette between his fingers he thinks about the only light in his life that makes every day somehow bearable. His only light. Kim Doyoung.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Over the Bridge, Under the Stars</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote another depressive story, yet I can't write anything happy. I've tried, and it always ended up like that:( Before reading check out the tags, there are mentions of wanting to commit suicide and there are depressive thoughts as well, so if any of that may trigger you, then please don't read that.</p>
<p>I'll try to write something more positive next time, but can't promise anything;; I hope you'll enjoy that, the comments are really appreciated, but if you don't want to comment then it's okay.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There is this place under the bridge, which is used by the workers who are fixing the broken pieces when it’s needed. It’s like a small bridge under the main bridge, and it’s always locked so no one could enter, which is obvious. Yet just like everything that’s unavailable, it attracts much more. So that’s why everytime when Huang Renjun comes back home from school, he walks through the smaller bridge. It’s not hard. There is only one additional chain that he can easily go under, and there’s nothing more. No more padlocks or metal doors, as if created especially for random passersby. Especially for Renjun. He feels nostalgic every time he’s somewhere in the middle. Over the Han River that seems so peaceful, yet if he jumped from there he would die immediately. He can hear the honks of cars that are riding over him and the sound of tourists who are in the boats underneath. The place is extremely loud, especially during the rush hour, when everyone is coming back home, and he somehow hates it. But there are also times when this place is quiet as a graveyard. When there’s no cars, no boats, and only once for a while there are drunk teenagers walking by the main bridge. The night is a time that brings Renjun nostalgic feelings. He remembers sitting in the middle of the underbridge, lighting his first cigarette that felt like burning a holes in his lungs, but which later became addicting and attracted him as much as the unavailable bridge. The place where he had his first kiss with the boy named Na Jaemin, who then dumped him after meeting “the love of his life” and who then was dumped after a month of dating. He remembers it all and he loves it, because he isn’t a type who holds grudges. Not for long at least, and these little moments remind him that he’s alive. And he was young and dump then, so why worry - he always reminds himself. And he’s still young. And he’s still dumb.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That’s how he ended up on the bridge in the middle of the night again. Sitting on the metal bars, legs hanging dangerously down. And it scares him that his too big shoes may slip and fall into the water. But he doesn’t really care. If it happened, he would just jump after them and fish them out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To jump. He thinks how easy it would be to just jump. To feel this cold water surrounding his hot body. To feel the water in his lungs that are already so damaged because of his smoking habit. And he promised himself once that he would quit, because it’s just a waste of money. The money he doesn't even have. But it’s not so easy as he thought at first, and he’s not that determined to do this. He might as well wait for better times. Or just jump. And end it all at once.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He hates himself for thinking about committing sucide. Because his life is not bad. It’s actually pretty nice, he has a family - not the greatest one, but he knows that they love him in certain sense. And he has friends, who are willing to help him whenever he needs that. Well, they used to be. He’s not sure if they still are. After the fight they had earlier that day, he’s not sure if they are still his friends after all. It was nothing serious at first, but then they started to pick out every little mistake and problems they had had with each other for the last few months and it got serious. The tears in Lee Donghyuck’s eyes were the last climax. At that moment Renjun knew that he fucked up so bad, that there’s no turning back. Whatever he would have said from then would only make things worse, yet he continued.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You call yourself my friend, yet you’re never beside me when I need you”, said Donghyuck. He sounded sad and hurt, and Renjun couldn’t answer. He couldn’t say sorry because from some weird reason he didn’t feel sorry. He felt like Donghyuck deserved to feel abandoned. Just like Renjun felt abandoned for the last months, when Donghyuck left him for his new boyfriend.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe I’m not your friend”</span>
  <em>
    <span>, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he said after a while and Donghyuck became silent. No one said anything more. There were only tears in their eyes, and drowned out cries. And after a while Renjun went out. Left the room, the building, the school that was always a place he felt safe thanks to his friends, but in that moment became the most unfamiliar and cold place in the world. And he was wandering through the city until it became dark. Until the streets were empty, and jumping under the car was impossible. And he silently thanked for that, because he knew that he would have absentmindedly jumped. And he didn’t really want to traumatise a random driver who did nothing wrong. He’s never understood how people who are killing themselves are able to pull others into that. Especially the ones they didn’t even know. It's so egoistic, yet apparently killing one self is egoistic altogether, so maybe Renjun just doesn't understand the society standards. So that’s how he ended up on the underbridge. Because jumping into the water wouldn’t hurt anyone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There is also another thing that he is thankful for, and which makes his life bearable. A person who prevents him from jumping, because he knows that he would be hurt the most. It's not his family, who after a few weeks would forget and live as if nothing had happened, and it's not his friends, who have other more important people in their lives and would not care that one of many had disappeared. It's a person who would be forlorn, and hopeless, and so desperate to follow his steps. His boyfriend. The only light in his life, who keeps him steady on his feet when he wants to fly, and to jump. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He turns his head right and he sees a silhouette of someone at the end of the bridge. Only then he reminds himself that he sent a message to Kim Doyoung a few hours ago. He didn’t say where he was, but it was easy to guess. He’s always in the same place. Always with his legs hanging down and the cigarette between his fingers, which is there out of habit and which he forgot about a few minutes ago. It always ends like that when he’s thinking too much, when he digs deep down into his memory trying to find the reason why he’s sad. Why he’s depressed when he’s life is actually not that bad. And then he thinks that he would eagerly change his place with someone who would appreciate what he has. He sounds like an ungrateful bastard. And he knows that he is one. And it makes him hate himself even more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung approaches and sits down next to him. Takes the cigarette out of Renjun’s hand and throws it away to the river. The other doesn’t even react, but Doyoung feels like Renjun wants to say something. Something stupid probaby like "don’t litter", which is not stupid at all, but under given circumstances would be the most stupid thing one may say.  So they stay silent. After a while Renjun pulls the cigarette case out of his pocket and lits the new one. This time he reminds himself to actually take some puffs, otherwise there would be another wasted money, which he doesn’t want. It’s better that his money - that he gained by working a part-time job at the gas station - would end up in his lungs and not in the river. Or maybe it will all end up in the river, so what’s the difference.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hard day?” asks Doyoung looking ahead. They don’t look at each other, but they don’t need to. This way it’s less awkward. Not like they’re awkward with each other whatsoever. Doyoung is the only person in Renjun’s life who he instantly became close with. And with whom he’s never been awkward. They decided to hang out with each other out of nowhere. First just to watch movies both of them are fans of, then to cafes to try new cakes made by Mrs. Oh in the nearby bakery, and then their meetings became more intimate. There was less space between them, more touching, more holding hands and hugging, until one night there were kisses and caressing of naked skin of their backs and stomachs. And it came naturally, as if following the scenario someone wrote for them, and which they learned by heart. They knew what they were doing even without these long, deep conversations they both hated. And maybe Renjun was less of a friend of Donghyuck than he used to be, and maybe he actually stopped spending his time with him, because he started to spend more with Doyoung. But Donghyuck was doing exactly the same, so maybe this friendship just wasn’t supposed to last forever. And he hates himself for how little he cared about that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Renjun nods, too tired to answer with proper words. He doesn't want to talk, because it’s too bothersome. And he feels like he has nothing to say anyway. He’s grateful that Doyoung understands him, because sometimes people try to persuade him to talk. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’ll get better if you let it out</span>
  </em>
  <span>, was something Zhong Chenle used to say when he was still living in Korea. He then moved back to China and Renjun lost touch with him. But he used to talk with the boy a lot, because he had these weird methods that made Renjun actually open up, and tell everything that was bothering him. But it wasn't helping him whatsoever, only making him feel worse, because </span>
  <em>
    <span>now people know my insecurities, now they know how I feel, and they will either take advantage of that or would pity me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And even though he knew that Chenle would never do either of those things, his anxiety made him think differently.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Donghyuck called me and said that he’s sorry for whatever he had said earlier”, says Doyoung after a while. Renjun takes a puff and exhales it, letting the smoke out of his nose. Not answering and waiting for Doyoung to continue. Which he does. “He’s tried to call you, but said that your phone was off.” He turns around and is looking at Renjun now. He’s not liking the sight in front of him. The tired, sunken eyes, messy hair and this disgusting cigarette that he would eagerly throw out again, and keep away from the boy as far as possible. But he knows it’s not possible, because Renjun will always find a way to get the new pack. And whatever he says to him about how unhealthy it is, doesn’t work, because Renjun doesn’t care. About nothing. Ever. “Which is weird, because I could easily call and you’ve sent me messages.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve blocked him.” Says Renjun immediately and Doyoung is surprised how tired he sounds. And how torned out his throat is, as if he was shouting for a long, long time. “I don’t feel like talking to him. Ever.” And that surprises Doyoung even more, because Donghyuck and Renjun had been friends since forever. Since they’ve learned how to talk and created a weird bond between each other. Exchanging toys in the kindergarten and eating from the same plate during recess because </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s how friends act. We are friends.</span>
  </em>
  <span> They always were friends. And no one was able to seperate them. That’s what Doyoung heard at least, because he didn’t know them then. But he saw it when he first met Renjun and Donghyuck during their first day in high school. He was a senior and Renjun was a freshman, holding tight into Donghyuck’s hand as if scared of the new environment, of new people. And they were always like that. When Renjun started dating Doyoung he always mentioned Donghyuck whenever they talked about friends and childhood and good memories, when Donghyuck started dating Minhyung he always called Renjun to tell him about his date and little things that Minhyung did, or didn’t do and which made him look funny. And they were laughing together, and crying together. But something changed. One day Renjun stopped talking about his happy memories and Donghyuck started to spend more and more time with Minhyung and other people. With anyone who wasn’t Renjun.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t tell me what happened between you two.” says Doyoung. Now they are sitting close to each other. Their knees are touching and he wants to hug the smaller boy, caress his back, warm him up because it’s cold and he’s wearing only a school uniform which is too thin for spring night. But Renjun sits still and doesn’t move, so Doyoung doesn’t move either, waiting for his first move.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because nothing really happened.” another puffs and another smoke appears around them. Suffocating smoke that Doyoung hates and that Renjun loves so much. It’s one of a few things that distinguish them. They have similar tastes and likings towards movies and books, and even towards boys. But smoking is something they’ve been always arguing about. Because that is the only thing that Renjun was doing and Doyoung has no power over him. He can prevent him from jumping, from killing himself any other way, but smoking is something that is killing him slowly day by day and Doyoung can do nothing about that. No matter how much he’s tried. “We’ve just stopped talking,” he adds. He doesn’t say anything more because there’s nothing more to say. Sometimes it just happens. That people once close to each other stopped talking with each other. Because there are new people who are suddenly more interesting, who have more to offer, more to say. And your once close friend becomes uninteresting, becomes unimportant. And you can do nothing about that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And because of that you want to jump?” Doyoung asks. He holds Renjun’s empty hand and squeezes it lightly, to show that he’s here, beside him. And that he’ll always be. Renjun shakes his head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t. I mean, I don’t want to, but I don’t really not want to either.” he curses and looks down on his lap, on Doyoung’s hand holding his, and then he looks up at Doyoung's face. First time that night he looks at the boy and there are tears in their eyes. “It doesn’t really make sense, does it?” he asks and he smiles pitifully. He talks bullshit and he sounds so incoherent. Doyoung reciprocates the smile, although his one is more sincere.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, it doesn’t. But it doesn’t really matter.” because Doyoung understands Renjun without words and he knows exactly what the other wants to say. Because sometimes even though there is no reason to jump, there is no reason not to jump. And that sometimes is enough. And Renjun has said it multiple times, that he’s somewhere between wanting to live and not wanting. Between waiting for another dawn and staying forever at night. Dark and cold nights that are much better than warm dawn, and sun. It’s a new beginning, but Renjun doesn’t like beginnings. He doesn’t like starting new things, he prefers to stay where he is, doing what he’s doing. Nothing more, nothing less.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And this desire of his, to stay in between leads him to the underbridge. With his boyfriend by his side, stars on the dark sky. Knees by knees, hands covered with other hands, and cold breeze that leaves the goosebumps on Renjun skin. The unfinished and extinguished cigarette that will end in the river again, because that’s the way Doyoung tells him that he loves him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t kill yourself, not like that</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And he takes it and throws it away, and Renjun doesn’t take another out. They are so close yet it’s cold. So Doyoung takes off his jacket and puts it on Renjun’s shoulders, and he massages it lightly to make him warm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, I have a jumper and a thick shirt under it.” he says to not make the other worry, because even though he hasn’t said anything, Doyoung feels like he’s worrying. And there’s a silence between them again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Make up with Donghyuck, hm?” Doyoung says after a while. He has an arm thrown over Renjun’s shoulder to keep him warm, and he can feel how he stopped breathing for a while after hearing that. “He’s as miserable as you are,” he adds and Renjun sighs. Maybe because he’s tired of hearing what Donghyuck is and what he isn’t, because there’s always Donghyuck this and Donghyuck that, never Renjun this and that; or maybe because he knows perfectly that it’s true. Donghyuck was always more vulnerable, he always reacted irrationally to even the littlest, most insignificant things. And Renjun was always there for him. And now when he’s not, Donghyuck must feel even worse. And thinking that it’s all his fault. It’s always Renjun’s fault.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” he says quietly and Doyoung can barely  hear him, but the night’s peaceful, there’s no boat and no cars, and no drunk teenagers who shout from above them. So they can whisper, and they do. And Renjun really doesn’t know. He doesn’t know if Donghyuck wants to be his friend anymore, if he wants them to make up. And Renjun doesn’t know if he wants that either. He doesn’t know why it’s so hard for him to even think about making up with Donghyuck. Talking, laughing and hugging each other seem so unfamiliar, as if they haven’t done that for so long, and that’s true. He can’t remember when he last hugged Donghyuck, but his memory sucks and he sometimes can’t remember many of the things.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No matter what you think, you are friends, best friends. At least try to talk to each other.” Doyoung doesn’t know what more to say, because it’s not like Renjun listens to him anyway. He’ll do whatever he’d like to. But after that he nods. And Doyoung is surprised, because he hasn’t expected that, not that soon at least. And maybe it’s the fault of the late hour and Renjun is too tired to argue, or maybe he’s just tired of arguing at all - both with Doyoung and with anyone else.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll try.” he says after a while. Doyoung sighs with relief. And he thanks him quietly even though it’s not his business if they make up or not. Even if Renjun and Donghyuck won’t make up, he will still be Renjun’s boyfriend. They still will kiss and hug, and meet up to watch the latest movies in the theatre. But he knows how much it means to Renjun, even though the younger will never admit to it. And he’s thankful that Renjun is trying. Trying to make up, trying to fix something, trying to live. Doyoung is thankful for that, because he knows how hard it is sometimes, especially for Renjun.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And he absentmindedly hugs him, it happens automatically and Doyoung doesn’t even realize when his lips found Renjun’s one, and they are kissing. But he doesn’t need to know this, because it doesn’t matter. They are close and Renjun feels so safe, so good. He deepens the kiss and now his hands are in elder’s hair and Doyoung’s hands are everywhere, on Renjun’s back and then on his nape and on his cheeks, and they caress him so tenderly, as if he may broke under his stronger touch, and Doyoung doesn’t want that. But Renjun is strong. He’s way stronger than anyone Doyoung knows. He would never break under someone’s touch. He wouldn’t break because of someone else, other than himself. Renjun sometimes has these autodestructive behaviours. So if anyone could break him it would be he and no one else. And Doyoung knows it, and he tries hard to prevent him from harming himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And you wouldn’t jump, would you?” he asks after a while, when they lean away from each other to catch a breath. And Renjun shakes his head although it looks fake for Doyoung. But he believes him. He has no other option than to believe that he won’t jump. And to protect him from actually doing that. He promises himself that he would always be by Renjun’s side. To hold his hand and to keep him close to earth, to not fly away, far away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good.” he answers and their lips touch again. And again. And they are kissing until the dawn comes. The new day, new beginning that Renjun hates so much. But he’s with Doyoung so maybe it is not that bad after all. Maybe sometimes new things are good. And Renjun thinks that maybe there is some hope and some happiness deep, deep inside of him. And he doesn't feel like jumping anymore, at least for that moment. For now he feels that maybe he can try. He can at least try.</span>
</p>
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